Have you ever felt so afraid, afraid of what your future might be like?
I like to picture, I like to imagine. I like to think deep.
I used to think highly of how "bright" my future will be. But something else went across my mind when I was on the train yesterday. With all my time thinking about how good my life's gonna be the next time, I never thought of all the what if(s). What if, everything isn't the perfect picture I have in mind, what if everything just screw big times. What if I don't own a thing, what if I ain't the kind of person I see myself 10 years down the road right now. What if nothing just went right.

Don't say that I think too much. Or maybe, I did. It all drives down to one point,  I want a perfect life when I know there's no existence of perfection. I have plans, in fact many plans for my future. My life's literally planned out already, but they were mere outlines of how I want to live. I have already been thinking of what other majors to take up once I step out of Singapore Poly, etc. To think about what else is there for me to make up for, in order to bring me closer to perfect life I am going after.

This is not insane. This is expectations. This is responsibility. This is attaining lifetime fulfillment. This is taking up a role as someone's daughter. This is where you can find me.

I don't want to gamble that life away. I don't want to waste the years given to me living on this earth. I don't want to be nothing. Just somebody. Nothing seems to stop me from trying harder and moving further. I just want to be at the submit. Even if Im the last right now, I will still make it there in the end. I believe. I don't know how long I can live and I don't have to know. I just know, I have a long list of things I need to do to make sure I give my life a good closure, before I've decided to leave this place. Not unless I have done what I need in this life, I am not going to leave anyone, anything, anywhere, and get away. You call me a coward if I ever do this. Because, I always mock at people who does that. The most cowardly actions I ever seen and shall never commit to.

To me, the heaviest load I have on my shoulders are my parents. No, they're not my burden. But I see the need to be a filial daughter and that's the most important role I take up. They're partly the reason for me planning out my perfect life. Not only do I want a good life for myself, I want them to have it too. I am not going to make them pick up cardboards. I am not going to make them collect newspaper. I am not going to let them collect cans. I am not going to let them stand under the sun, giving out flyers. I am not going to let them roam the streets. I am not going to let them sleep in public. I am not going to make them earn their cents when they're old. I am not going to make them look like beggars when they're old. I am definitely not going to let them be the way, like those poor uncles and aunties are in the streets with no one to rely on and to slog so hard for that few bucks. Giving them a good life is what I can do as their daughter, in a form of repaying them, for bringing me up. I want to give them the best thing I can find.

Besides my studies and career,  and family, friends, there is nothing else I give a second thought to.

It's worth all the time spending to think about your future even though it might not be entirely pictured in the same way you have in your mind. At least, you're mentally prepared. When you think of the good, don't forget about the bad. You don't give a miss on that. What's more important now, is to come back to reality and work hard for the perfect life. It's never too early to think about such.