This is the first time, I feel like Im a problematic kid. 

This is the first time, I almost feel like dying from unknown factors

This is the first time, I want to give up so badly

This is the first time, I lose my heart and soul over something which I remember, I wanted so badly

This is the first time, I cry over things like that.

This is the first time, I hate myself this much

This is the first time, I felt quite speechless.

This is the first time, I think I wasn't being myself at all

This is the first time, I try to escape

I have to stop being selfish. If only emotions aren't expressed on my face, but else where, and people dont see them. It would be god damn awesome. 

Sometimes, you can't find the right words to express yourself. Feelings and emotions that words couldn't explain. And I always like to keep things to myself. I dont like others to probe into my affairs and I find that they dont need to know too much because, afterall, I am confident I can get out of the shit myself. My ego, remember. "I don't need help!" This is what I think, "I got into this shit mess, and I'll get out of it, myself, with my own capabilities." It may sound rude to people who are sincerely concern about me, greatly appreciated, but I will appreciate even more if you dont ask me anything at all. 

People are just unaware of how ruthless my mouth can be. Hence, keep yourself away from me lest getting hurt. I dont want to hurt anyone either. When in a bad mood, I'll just shut myself away from everything and anything. I just stare blankly/think through things. I don't talk. I don't smile. This time, I got really tired, of everything around me. Like, I just lost my goal in life and has become so meaningless that all that I ever wish to do is sleep away my time. Nothing in this world is going to appeal to me now. I just want to clear everything out of this fucked up mind. It's so full of rubbish that it might burst like a balloon as of what Joash said. 

Now, I just need to pick up the pieces as I go. I need to generate this feel of "there is a camp in 2 days' time" I need to start being happy. Now I know, it takes 3 seconds to become sad, but at least 3 hours to become better/happy again. I promise everything's gonna be okay by then. Everything. I want to stay ignorant about matters. If only sleep can make me forget things. How great.

I am behaving like a freaking asshole lately. No one knows what is wrong, cos I dont even know. 

The best thing people around me can do is to treat me as an invisible person. That is seriously the only good thing that you can do to ease my emotions.